To Perfect Understanding
by Alithea
Summary: Shoujo-ai Content. The choices that are made, and the way Destiny has been set these are the things that haunt Tohru in her last days in Tokyo. With no regrets it can make saying good bye even harder than it already is. A nod to the most over looked coupl


**Title: To Perfect Understanding  
****Rating R  
****X/1999 is property of CLAMP just borrowing.  
****_"The Facts About Jimmy"_ by Shawn Colvin  
****Poetry is mine  
****Shoujoai/Yuri Warnings apply**

_I would that my heart left me_

_Then I could bare this burden_

_Then I could suffice being without your touch_

_But Fate is cruel and Destiny is set_

_We've no chance in this game_

_This life…_

_We are through_

_I would that I was never born_

_Then I never would have known_

_Nor seen your light_

_Never would have loved_

_What is to be taken from my sight_

More than anything she hated regret, because she knew when the choice was set before her how things would go. And she made the choice, freely, willingly, because it seemed an honor beyond anything she could reason. She was young then; she was, to many eyes, young still; perhaps she placed too much faith in her decision-making skills as a teenager. Then again perhaps it was a choice that was not a choice at all, just a trick of Destiny's wheel, just an illusion of the Fates' dry sense of humor. And yet she disliked thinking that everything was so solidly set in place. Hadn't Saya told her once that dreams were just dreams and they only came true if you want them too?

Tohru shut her eyes. Soon, so soon she would have to leave Tokyo, and she would never be able to return. She sighed and opened her eyes only to find her little boy looking at her curiously, brow furrowed in thought. She brushed away a strand of long dark hair along with any lingering thoughts of regret, and held out her arms. He went to her quickly, smiling as his mother's arms encircled him, sitting in her lap but still curious.

"What's wrong Kamui," she asked him softly.

"Are you sad," he asked.

Tohru took in a deep breath and smiled. He was so young, and even as a small child she could feel the power in him. All the strength of a god to protect or destroy and she wondered which he would choose, and hoped he would choose correctly understanding what the choice would mean to him later. The gods help her she would never be able to tell him everything. Before she could speak a sudden image crossed over her, all flame and smoke.

She swallowed and then said, "I'm not sad I was just thinking."

"You think a lot," the boy replied a slight worry spread across his face.

She chuckled out of reflex, "I do. I think way too much sometimes, but you know what?" She paused as he shook his head; "Sometimes thinking is the most important thing you can do before you make a decision."

"What are you deciding?"

"Between chocolate and vanilla Pocky at the moment," she replied quickly, a lighthearted remark to hide the truth. 'One day I wonder if you'll be able to know when I'm trying to hide something from you,' she thought.

Kamui smiled and started to laugh, "But that's easy, Mama…chocolate is always best."

The masks she wore, the emotions she hid behind her smile always wanted to break when she tricked him. She fought against crying and laughed with him instead, "Of course, how silly of me. Chocolate is always best. Now do you know what you want to take over to Fumma and Kotori's house for the sleepover?"

Kamui nodded quickly and squirmed out of his mother's embrace, running to his room and quickly returning with a bright red backpack. He handed the backpack to his mother with an extremely pleased look on his face. She took it and opened it up, checking for essentials.

"Packed all by yourself, you're so grown up," Tohru said. "But you seem to have forgotten your toothbrush."

He frowned and then ran into the bathroom and retrieved his small toothbrush. Tohru placed it into the bag and reached out to touch his cheek. Running her thumb down and around to his chin.

"Thank you. So are you all set," she asked, quickly standing up.

He ran towards the door.

"Then so am I."

_One night is never enough_

_And without your touch_

_I'm lost to the sky_

_Dreams, made to make me cry_

_I was born just for you_

_Just to understand you_

_Oh I know all you do_

_And just why you have to_

_One night is never enough_

_And without your touch_

_I have to remember not to cry_

_I have to remember because this is goodbye_

It was a short walk from their house to the Togakushi Shrine, and once there Kamui made a quick sprint to where he knew his friends would be. Tohru lingered back, moving slowly towards the door, arms lightly folded across her chest. The clamor of excited children grew as she reached the door, knocking lightly before stepping inside.

The brightness of the children's play nearly blinded her as she leaned against the doorframe to the living room. She shook her head as she watched Fumma pretend to be a monster and chase after Kamui and Kotori. Stiffening at a light touch on her shoulder and relaxing to look over into beautiful brown eyes that paled in comparison only to her son's.

"They play so well together," the woman said softly. "Our children like each other so much I'm almost sad for them."

"Almost, Saya," Tohru asked focusing back on the play that was continuing.

"It would be worse, I think, if they never knew such friendship at all," was the low reply and she leaned into Tohru, resting her head on her friend's shoulder briefly before standing up straight. "Are you ready?"

"Just let me say goodbye," Tohru replied. She looked over at the children and called out, "I'm leaving now Kamui."

The boy was distracted long enough to wave really quickly before once again concentrating on the perils of saving Kotori from her brother. Tohru chuckled and stepped back into the hallway, to the front door. Saya was waiting for her, purse and coat in hand.

"Kyougo is in the kitchen, he said he'd watch the kids."

Upon hearing his name Kyougo poked his head into the hallway, "Actually I said I thought she should get out of the house for the evening." He took in a breath and looked over both women, "Tohru."

Tohru nodded back in acknowledgement before stepping out the door after Saya. She wondered how anyone could possibly be so understanding but then she wondered the same thing about Saya on occasion. As two people joined as husband and wife, Saya and Kyougo complimented each other perfectly. But Saya was married only because she had to be, only because she had made a choice. And she chose not to marry for love. She chose to be in the exact place that Tohru would need her to be, for the sake of the future, for destiny.

Out on the sidewalk Saya waited for Tohru to catch up, she smiled and then frowned.

"He's a good man," Saya said. "He's a good man and those are beautiful children but-"

"Don't say it," Tohru interrupted. "Don't say it, because it can still go differently."

"But it can't Tohru," Saya replied softly. "For you and no other I have made this choice, and I won't regret it because-"

"Shhhh…" Tohru placed a finger over Saya's lips.

They walked in silence the short way back to Tohru's house, because it had all been said before and it didn't need to be said again.

_**It's Destiny we met**_

_**The simple truth is always the best**_

_**And don't you see what's done is done**_

**_And there's somebody for everyone_**

They hardly got two steps into the door before all that could not be said, all that had been said before, and all the irresistible needs in their hearts took them over. They kissed, long and lovingly until it occurred to Tohru that it would be a good idea to shut the door lest the neighbors see. There were not many that would ever be able to understand the relationship she shared with Saya, or the understanding they both had with Kyougo. There were not many who could see passed the sin and into what could not be fought, the very essence of love, the strength to part, and give and lose what is most dear because it was what had to be done.

The door shut Saya moved to kiss Tohru, but was stopped.

"You know I did make dinner," Tohru smiled fighting the urge to just drag the woman in her arms into the bedroom. But she wanted something to remember, something to hold onto for later (for the sparks and flames) and despite the longing look from Saya she knew her lover wanted the same.

So they ate, quietly, sipping the wine, staring into the candlelight on the table. They had known each for so long it hardly seemed there could be anything said that would make a difference. Saya brushed back her hair before pushing her empty plate forward and drinking the last of her wine.

"So what's for dessert," Saya asked slyly.

"Strawberries and…cream," was the reply followed by a sultry, "I thought a simple dessert would be more palatable."

Saya nodded and then slid out of her seat to saunter behind Tohru, wrapping her arms around her neck. She leaned forward and kissed the top of her head before inching down towards Tohru's ear, "I'm not really in the mood for something sweet."

"Oh the berries are just slightly tart...I'm sure you'll like them. But if you don't want dessert I'm very sure we can-"

She stopped short as a wayward hand began to slink down the front of her blouse, making quick work of a few buttons before inching beneath the light fabric. And though she wanted to stop, tears began to well in her eyes, a quick breath leaving her throat as she leaned back met with soft lips. A teardrop landing on her cheek to aid the ache that grew in her throat. She shut her eyes, standing up, keeping the contact close, the kisses deep and the agony silent, blindly moving towards the bedroom.

Clothing was divested; caresses placed and given but she couldn't open her eyes. She couldn't bear to see the tears that matched her own. Even as she was pushed back into her bed, even as she pulled Saya closer, even as a lustfully loving hand tickled down across the flat of her belly, through the thick of dark curls, parting her thighs and delving inside her, against the slick of the very thing she just needed so badly, lips gently parting to touch upon her eyes, tasting the salt, the sorrow and pain.

"It's okay…open your eyes Tohru," Saya whispered. "Please," she kissed the closed eyes again, "I need you to see me. I need to look into your eyes. Please."

And against the pleading of her own heart she opened her eyes, slowly, with caution. It was so strange, like déjà vu, staring up into Saya's eyes full of tears and, just, love, all that understanding. It took her back to the very first time she realized that she returned Saya's feelings. It had the same feeling. She remembered they were supposed to be studying, but somehow ended up kissing till they were both exhausted and half-undressed. For a moment she shut her eyes again but then quickly opened them reaching her arms up around Saya's slim waist. Looking, drowning, dying again and again as she saw herself reflected back in the light brown pools above her before claiming lips that were always too soft to describe properly.

Passion lingered, grew, and stretched across the night sky, a touch, to caress, to the embers of the slow fire that made up their lovemaking. Steady and on over and again as the night turned to early morning. The tears still flowing from both because they understood and it was the understanding that made things perfect and heart breaking.

Tohru and Saya did not really sleep they just clung to each other till it was time to let go. And letting go they could hardly speak. But what was to be said, they loved each other, they longed for each other… Their time was coming to an end and their children's' time was yet to begin. It was the beginning of an ending that was greater than both of them.

So they kissed and dressed and prepared... for their last days in Tokyo.

End…


End file.
